07 - What Does It Mean To Have Good Communication In a Relationship?
I can’t say most things with 100% certainty, but what I can say with confidence, 100% of the time couples report that they are seeking therapy due to communication issues. Now, typically it is later uncovered that it’s far more than frequent communication breakdowns. I will get into those topics in another post. Let’s talk about communication and how we could all improve on this skill in all of our relationships.
When I work with couples in my office I will ask them, “Do you two tell each other everything?” this question can go 1 of 2 ways.
[With no hesitation] “Of course!”
[pause] “What do you mean by everything?”
This is a great test to assess the couple's secure functioning and how they feel about communication. Now, I will be upfront this is a bit of a tricky question, but trust there is a reason for this test. I am trying to see if the couple gets the spirit of the question, as most couples truly don’t tell each other EVERYTHING. If they answer with the first option I listed then I have a pretty good idea that communicating with each other might not be that difficult. Or they select the second option. If they question it and ask for clarification this helps me know that there may be either secret keeping in the relationship, fears of transparency, privacy concerns, and overall all reading into the question too deeply. I want to know where this couple falls so I can better assist them and understand why they feel like there is a communication issue.
In relationships, we do need to be painfully communicative with our partners. I often say, if you think you are communicating too much, that is great, and do more! You ask, “Whitney, why must people talk so much to their partners?” I say back, because of the age-old comment “I am not a mind reader.” If I don’t tell you I had a bad day at work, then you can interpret my poor mood when I come home anyway way you want. You might make the correct assumption that I had a difficult day at work or may you make the assumption that I am angry with you. You would never know if 1) I never told you or 2) you didn’t ask. Both of these options require that one of the partners talk about what’s going on.
Also, if there is a standard in the relationship that we communicate and talk about everything this will subconsciously reduce any fears that information is being withheld. This will help you tremendously if you, your partner, or both have an insecure attachment style. And just for the record most of us do!
What can you start doing today to improve your communication with your partner, friends, co-workers, and others? Start by being transparent with what’s going on for you. This type of communication can relay information like, “I am having a bad day today, work was really frustrating.” or you can express positive feelings “I am really looking forward to getting home and seeing you.”
Additionally, I want to note that how we say things is also very important too. Be aware of your tone or even the words you are choosing to say. We want to be clear, kind, and direct. To pull from Paul Grice, we want to follow these 4 cooperative principles of communication. These are called Griceans maxims - quantity, quality, relation, and manner. To break this down further:
Quantity - Am I saying too little or too much? Maybe sure you are giving your partner enough context, but also not going on for more than 3-5 mins.
Quality - This goes back to the selection of the words you are choosing today. Some words have certain connotations or are not truly the most descriptive word. Also, make sure what you are saying is true or truthful
Relation - Is what you are saying relevant? Don’t get off topic, a common pitfall in a couple’s arguments or disagreement. Stay on topic!
Manner - Make sure what you are saying is clear. Once again we are choosy with what we are saying. Make sure your partner understands what you are saying, avoid using language that can be interpreted in different ways, and make it easy for your partner to understand what you are saying or wanting.
Now, I will make the case that most of us are fearful of being truly open as we have often learned that it’s not safe or people might hurt us. If you are in therapy explore this more, but you can start slow and learn over time that it is safe and if not possibly boundaries are needed.